Elite Requirements
Physical Conditioning
We require athletes who can jog for at least 7 minutes before demanding to be subbed off. Ability to touch toes is optional but admired.
0
Previous Experience Needed
🚨 CODE RED: SOS 🚨
While we are absolutely accepting applications for all positions (seriously, if you have a pulse, you're on the shortlist), we are currently begging the universe for two specific types of human beings to save us from ourselves:
An Actual Goalkeeper
Currently, our rotation involves traumatized outfield players drawing the short straw and closing their eyes when a shot comes in. If you own a pair of gloves, have functioning reflexes, and enjoy the thrill of facing 30 shots a game behind a defense that firmly believes in "social distancing," we will literally build a statue of you in Ely.
A Backup Goal Machine
Yes, we are blessed with 'Showtime' up front, who casually dismantles elite defenses with sublime hat-tricks and magical abilities. But the poor lad's back is breaking from carrying our entire attacking threat. We desperately need depth. We need a dynamic partner to compliment him. Also, we recently missed four penalties in a single match. Four. If you can share the goal-scoring burden and actually convert from the spot without crumbling under Sunday League pressure, step right up.
*Again, all other positions are welcome. But if you play either of the above, you can skip the queue and name your price (Disclaimer: our budget is £0).
The "Sunday Evening" Test
Can you turn up on time for a 18:00 kick off, still nursing a hangover and maintain your defensive duties?
If yes, you are our new Centre Back.
Submit Transfer Request
We don't have a web server to process forms because we spent the IT budget on Energy Drinks.
To join, simply DM us on Instagram or Facebook (If you're a dinosaur).
DM The Manager
@a2b_f.c