1-3: Where Were They?!
For those of you who might not know... AC Me Rollin are THE most disliked team in the Ely
SoccerSixes Sunday League. This isn't just our opinion; it is a cold, hard fact gathered from
exhaustive, undisputed research.
To say we are aggrieved by this defeat would be an absolute understatement.
Despite our seething anger—mainly directed at a player named (Who we actually cannot name for
legal reasons but rhymes with Silo)—we must look inward. Specifically, we must look at the two men
who single-handedly sabotaged this fixture: Philinho and The Gaffer.
Philinho is currently sunning himself in Corfu. Did he clear this mid-season leave with the board?
We do not believe so! We can assure our fans that a full-blown internal investigation is underway
and the punishment will heavily fit the crime.
As for The Gaffer... Myler officially informed the board that his return was 'delayed due to engine
failure.' Frankly, we don't buy a word of it. It is an extraordinary coincidence that Philinho and
our manager are 'unavailable' during the exact same week. We smell a coup. We believe Myler has
dismissed his Managerial duties to join Philinho on a ‘Lads on Tour’ break in Corfu. This is an
incomprehensible disregard of his responsibilities of epic proportions. The board is currently
investigating and we can promise the fans that the repercussions will be severe: both men will be
completely banned from requesting a substitution next week and will be forced to play the full match
breathing heavily out of their backsides.
4-4: Taking A Point Off The League Titans!
A2B FC vs league titans FC Savvas - A match that many predicted would be a routine victory for the
table-toppers. Instead, they were treated to a 4-4 epic that will go down as one of our gutsiest
performances to date.
The game plan was executed to absolute perfection. Upfront, Jaime 'Showtime' Pither put on a
finishing clinic, converting half-chances into pure gold and claiming yet another legendary
hat-trick.
But that was only part of the story as the rest of the team facing an incredibly lethal attack, put
their bodies firmly on the line.
It wasn't just a tactical shift; it was a human shield exhibition. Every block, every tackle, and
every desperate clearance was fueled by a refusal to let our unbeaten run die. Holding the best team
in the league to a stalemate proves that this squad can and will look anyone square in the eye.
5-0: Zingers No-Show Grants Back-To-Back Wins!
The Ghost Match: Inter Zingers decided they didn't fancy getting a tactical lesson from
Myler Tinchella, failing to turn up entirely. While the league handed us a pristine 5-0 walkover
win,
the lads stayed out on the pitch to demolish a pickup mix-match team 6-2 just to keep our eye in.
Back-to-back victories secured.
The Great Media Blackout: Wins, Draws, and Sacked Reporters...
An official investigation is currently underway at A2B FC's HQ after it was discovered that our Head
Sports Reporter (who shall remain nameless, but his name rhymes with 'Philinho') completely shirked
his duties for the last three weeks. Rumours suggest he was either on an extended scouting mission
in the local pub or simply forgot the password to the GitHub Repository.
However, the board has noted a terrifying correlation: the less the reporter updates the website,
the better the team actually plays. Coincidence? We think not. Here is what you missed while
our media team was asleep at the back post:
Matchday 12: Boca Seniors 2 — 3 AC Me Rollin (May 3rd)
The rekindling of the most toxic rivalry in Cambridgeshire. While we didn't get the points, the real
victory was that nobody ended up in a full-scale physical brawl this time. AC Me Rollin apparently
saved their boxing gloves for their opponents the following week. We take the moral victory and the
lack of police intervention as a massive win.
Matchday 13: Boca Seniors 4 — 4 Juffa Cakes (May 10th)
A 4-4 thriller that defied all defensive logic. Facing a top-tier side, the lads put in a shift of
pure, unfiltered determination to secure a massive point. Our reporter was reportedly too shocked by
our ability to score four goals to actually type out a match report on the night.
Matchday 14: Boca Seniors 6 — 2 Mateta's Eagles (May 17th)
We still don't entirely believe this one is real, but the referee's scorecard insists we scored six.
A 6-2 absolute dismantling of the Eagles. It turns out that when we have players turn up, we are an
unstoppable footballing juggernaut.
Myler’s Media Blast: "I am pleased with the four points from a possible nine, but I am less
pleased with our website maintenance. Philinho has been fined two weeks' wages for gross negligence
of the 'Press Room.' If he spent as much time updating the HTML as he did making interceptions
against the Eagles, we'd be trending worldwide by now."
3-5: What if...?
While Myler Tinchella is currently "finding himself" on a sun lounger, the team were left to face
the league-leading FC Savvas under the temporary command of Philinho. In a game that should have
been a massacre, the Cabbeez produced a performance of such grit that the opposition actually looked
worried for a moment.
Showtime Strikes Again: Jaime 'Showtime' Pither secured another hat-trick, proving that his
feet are currently more reliable than a Swiss watch and puts on a show of such magnitude that even
Taylor Swift's manager would be proud of.
Cruel Physics: The 5-3 scoreline is the ultimate liar. FC Savvas’ final two goals involved a
wicked deflection and a ball that hit the post, ricocheted off Philinho’s foot, and trickled over
the line with the speed of a tired snail. It was a "Sad Times" moment that wouldn't have looked out
of place in a tragic comedy.
The Great 'What If?': Would we have won if Myler was there? Would his tactical genius and
touch line instructions have prevented that deflection? We will never know. While the Gaffa tans,
Philinho remains the king of the "Almost-Upset."
0-6: No Excuses, No Drama, Just Battered.
Usually, this is the part of the press release where we blame the referee’s eyesight, the
opposition’s supernatural abilities, or the alignment of the stars over Ely. But today, we must do
something unprecedented: we hold our hands up. We were viciously humbled by a team that was simply
better at every single aspect of the sport.
The Goalkeeping Timeshare: In an attempt to share the emotional burden of the evening, the
goalkeeping duties were split down the middle. Philinho took the gloves for the first half and
conceded three. The Gaffa stepped up for the second half to "show him how it's done" and promptly...
also conceded three. It was a masterclass in perfectly balanced, symmetrical suffering.
Myler’s Post-Match Reflection: "There were no dodgy calls. There were no dirty tackles. We
just got completely out-football'd. The only silver lining is that Phil and I both let in exactly
three goals, which means the post-match debrief was completely argument-free. We looked at each
other, nodded in mutual disappointment and went to the pub."
The Verdict: A tough day at the office, but a remarkably peaceful one. Onwards and upwards!
4-3: One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for A2B
Stop the clocks. Cancel all government meetings. Alert the King. Move over Apollo 11. Step aside,
Sir Tim Berners-Lee (Inventor of the internet for you less intelligent readers).
March 29, 2026, is no longer just a date; it will be immortalised as national holiday in the
Republic of Cambridgeshire. A2B FC has done the unthinkable. They haven't just won; they’ve
dismantled the second-best defense in the league and left a trail of salty, handshake-refusing tears
in their wakeby defeating AC Me Rollin 4-3.
The Showtime Symphony: AC Me Rollin arrived with the "second-best defense in the league." By
the final whistle, that statistic was in the shredder. Jaime 'Showtime' Pither delivered a
performance of such majestic fluidity that it’s currently being curated by the Local Arts Council. A
hat-trick of such staggering beauty that the "Fans" (Two girlfriends and a confused niece) were left
in a state of religious ecstasy.
The Bitter End: The opposition apparently forgot their manners post match. AC Me Rollin
refused to shake hands after the final whistle. Presumably because their palms were too sweaty from
the sheer terror of facing Myler Tinchella’s tactical masterclass of fielding an injured goalkeeper
and an exhausted defender.
Myler’s Victory Speech: "I told the world Myler Tinchella was THE SPECIAL ONE. Today,
we didn't just win three points; we won back the pride of the club. To AC Me Rollin: We’ve got the
win, you’ve got the 'second-best defense' ... But we’ll happily take the W over the handshake any
day. Flares are being lit. Vuvuzelas are sounding. Ely is ours."
View the Historic Scoreline →
2-9: Blood, Sweat, Goals, and a Gaping Lack of Subs
They say football is a contact sport, but FC Savvas clearly mistook Sunday evening for a televised
UFC main event. In a 9-2 defeat against the league-leading "semi-pros," A2B FC didn't just lose the
points; we lost several layers of skin.
The Philinho Casualty Report: Our former interim boss and new Goal Machine (More on this
later!), Philinho, came off the pitch looking like he’d lost a fight with a belt sander. With grazes
on his knees, elbows, shoulders, and hands, Phil is currently 20% human and 40% Savlon and 40% Epsom
Salts. We are investigating whether FC Savvas’ tactical plan was "Score Goals" or "Physically
Dismantle Philinho Piece by Piece."
The Debut: In a move that can only be described as a "Baptism by Fire," we welcomed
Michael to the squad. Playing against the best team in the league with zero subs is a hell of
a way to start your A2B career. Michael put in a solid shift, showing a level of composure that
suggested he didn't realize he was joining a sinking ship. Welcome to the chaos, Michael.
Goal of the Season?!: Despite the 9 goals conceded, the highlight of the evening arrived from
the boots of Showtime & Philinho. A backheel flick from Jaime 'Showtime' Pither so divine it belongs
with the Gods, to release Philinho who made a rare venture forward from defense that resulted in a
strike so clean it almost made us forget we were being dismantled. It was a 10/10 goal in a 2/10
evening.
*** Just to be clear the only reason we are making such a big deal over Philinho's goal, is the
fact that they're so rare you have more chance of seeing a unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun. ***
The Subs Crisis: Once again, A2B fielded a "Brave 6" with no bench, while FC Savvas enjoyed
the luxury of 3 substitutes and what appears to be actual professional training. It’s hard to win a
marathon when the other team is allowed to tag-team their runners while we’re busy picking gravel
out of our elbows.
Myler’s Verdict: "We scored twice against Semi Professional ballers. In my book, that's a
moral victory. The league table... It’s a disaster. I’ve told the lads that next week’s training
will consist of 'How to avoid being tackled into the next dimension' and 'How to use a WhatsApp
calendar."
0-5: No Subs. No Hope. No Problem?
Myler Tinchella’s first game in charge was a masterclass in "Resource Management" — Mostly because
he had no resources to manage. Facing league-leaders Inter Zingers with exactly zero substitutes,
A2B FC put in a performance that was 10% tactical and 90% pure, unadulterated cardio.
While the scoreboard says 5-0, the "Vibe Check" says something different. The six lads (we use the
term 'men' loosely) who actually bothered to show up left everything on the pitch—including their
dignity, their lung capacity, and in some cases, their will to live. It turns out that when you play
the best team in the league without a bench, you don't need a manager; you need an oxygen tank and a
life support machine.
Myler’s Post-Match Blast: "I’m not angry at the scoreline; I’m angry at the 'Missing Persons'
list. We had more players in the WhatsApp 'Maybe' column than we had on the actual pitch. I’ve seen
more commitment from a New Year’s Resolution gym member. To the lads who played and were left
chasing shadows: I salute you. To the lads who didn't show up: I hope your Sunday roast was dry and
bland."
Stat of the Day: A2B FC are currently on track for the first ever "Perfect Zero" season. 0
Wins. 0 Draws. We aren't just a team; we're a charity for other people's goal differences.
The Philinho P45 & The Rise of Myler Tinchella
It is with a mixture of relief and mathematical necessity that A2B FC announces the departure of
Interim Manager Phil 'Philinho' Denton. Philinho leaves with a record that will stand for centuries:
0 wins, 2 losses, 12 goals conceded, and a 100% success rate in blaming supernatural forces for
defensive lapses.
The board commented: "Phil's tactical vision was so advanced that not even our players, nor the laws
of physics—could understand it. We thank him for his service, mostly because he’s still our defender
and we need him to stop crying and start preventing goals."
A Brand New Chapter: We are ecstatic to announce the permanent appointment of Myler
Tinchella. While some critics have pointed out that Myler looks suspiciously like our previous
manager, Tyler, wearing a pair of spectacles, a large moustache and a slightly different tracksuit,
the board insists this is a "completely fresh start."
Who is Myler? Myler Tinchella arrives with a revolutionary philosophy. He doesn't believe in
"Social Distancing Defending" or "Supernatural Scapegoats." He believes in the "Tinchella Method" —
which mostly involves shouting "Focus!" every ten minutes and hoping Jason Fielden doesn't pull a
hamstring during the warm-up!
Myler’s First Words: "I am not Tyler Minchella. I have never met Tyler Minchella. I am here
to lead A2B FC into a new era of slightly-less-catastrophic losses. My first order of business is to
ban Philinho from ever touching a tactics board again. He is strictly limited to standing between
the sticks and hoping for the best."
4-1: Ted Returns, Physics Departs
The script was written. **Ted 'Yung Blud' Lawrence** made his long-awaited return to the starting XI
from injury, and for 20 minutes, A2B FC looked like prime Barcelona. Unfortunately, we were playing
against a goalkeeper who we can only assume was a CGI projection or a man fueled by high-octane
rocket fuel.
Despite "bright sparks" and tactical improvements from Interim Gaffa Philinho, we were denied by a
string of saves that have led the board to request an immediate urine sample from the oppositions
#1. We aren't saying he's doping, but we are saying no human being should be able to move that fast
after a Sunday roast...
Philinho’s Verdict: "I thought I’d cracked it. Ted was back into the starting lineup, I gave
the pre-match speech of a lifetime, and the lads actually played some football. But their keeper?
That wasn't a man; that was a glitch in the Matrix. I’m currently looking into whether we can
protest the result based on 'Illegal Use of Supernatural Abilities.' On to next week, I suppose. If
I make it that long..."
Injury Update: Ted Lawrence completed the game. His shins are intact. Our pride, however,
remains in the local A&E.
Philinho’s Revolution: A Post-Mortem
Records were made to be broken, but Phil 'Philinho' Denton has decided to shatter them all in a
single Sunday afternoon. Following a 6-2 obliteration, the "Philinho Era" is currently being
measured in minutes rather than months.
The Interim Manager’s "innovative" tactic resulted in a scoreline that looks more like a set in
tennis than a football match. When questioned on the six goals conceded, Philinho reportedly pointed
at his boots and reminded everyone that he "looked the part," which is apparently all that matters
in the modern game.
The Bookies' Verdict: Local bookmakers have officially suspended betting on the shortest
managerial tenure in history. The odds of Philinho making it to next Sunday are currently 500/1,
slightly worse than the odds of Wolves staying up in the Premier League...
Interim Boss Quote: "The Manager's Confession: "I have to be honest—this one is
entirely on me. I went into this game with a 'vibes-only' defensive structure and quickly realized
that 'vibes' don't actually track runners. I looked at the tactics board at half-time and realized
I’d accidentally drawn a diagram for a sourdough starter instead of a formation. The lads deserved
better; I gave them a spoon to win a gunfight. It’s a learning curve. A very, very steep, 6-2 shaped
curve."
The End of an Error.
Following the 3-1 disaster (and despite the Gaffa’s halftime PowerPoint presentation blaming the
referee’s contact lens prescription), the board has finally acted. The Gaffa has been relieved of
his duties, effective immediately. He was last seen being escorted from the Ely Outdoor Sports
Association with nothing but a half-empty bottle of Lucozade.
The board released a brief statement: "We thank the Gaffa for his 'service,'. We wish him the best
of luck in his future endeavours... Playing for the club."
Enter the Philinho Era: We are delighted (and also heavily concerned) to announce that **Phil
'Philinho' Denton** has been appointed Interim Manager. Philinho brings a wealth of experience,
mainly consisting of hundreds of hours on Football Manager....
Philinho's First Quote: "The era of excuses is over. If we lose 3-1 under my watch, it won't
be because of the ref. It'll be because I've decided to play a 0-0-6 formation. #PhilinhoIn"
1-3: Robbed.
A2B FC are today demanding a full independent inquiry (a very angry thread in the WhatsApp group)
following a 3-1 defeat that featured some of the most "creative" officiating ever seen in Ely.
Despite a clinical finish from our strikers, the match was decided by a series of decisions so dodgy
they make a back-alley watch salesman look reputable. From invisible fouls to a penalty shout, it
was a masterclass in frustration.
The Manager's Verdict: "I’m not saying the referee was biased, but I did see him celebrating
their third goal with a high-five. We’ve checked the rulebook, and apparently, 'dribbling off the
pitch' is no longer a violation. You live and learn."
5-2: The Betrayal...
In a game that defied the laws of basic human coordination, The Cabbeez fell to a 5-2 defeat.
However, the scoreboard fails to mention that our two goals were "absolute screamers" while the
oppositions five goals were "lucky" and "mathematically improbable."
The Gaffa has declined to attend tonight press conference. Instead he has decided to go down the pub
and try to find the answers at the bottom of a pint.
Club Statement: "An official investigation is underway to determin if 'Jerome' is in breach
of contract playing for the opposition team - Which directly resulted in tonights loss."
0-6: A Tactical Masterclass in Surrender.
The board (the WhatsApp group) has met following Sunday's 6-0 obliteration. While most teams aim for
a "clean sheet," the Gaffa decided to trial a "transparent defense" policy that saw the opposition
score more often than our strikers touched the ball.
Rumours that the Gaffa’s pre-match tactical briefing consisted of "just run about a bit" and "don't
let them score" have been confirmed. When asked for comment on the six goals conceded, the Manager
blamed the gravitational pull of the Ely Cathedral and the fact that his favorite tracksuit was in
the wash.
Club Statement: "We have absolutely no confidence in the Gaffa's ability to drive the team
home. His ability to manage a football team, however, has never been questioned. (Until now...)"
Cabbeez Complete George Signing
A2B FC are delighted to announce the signing of George from local rivals "Poets Pippers"
The wonderkid has penned an astonishing Lifetime Contract, ensuring he will be with the club
until his retirement (or until he gets bored and leaves, whichever comes first).
View Player Reveal →
Here We Go: Ted Signs Contract
A2B FC is delighted to announce the signing of Ted from local rivals "Poets Pippers" Transfer fee
confirmed as two bags of Harribo Fries and a Lion bar.
See Player Reveal →